An Open Letter To Anyone Who Thinks I Don't Care

Firstly, I do. I do care. I think everyone forgets about everything I've been through over the last few years because I'm so tied up with the stress of studying. People forget that I chose to do that to help further myself and obviously it's going to effect who I am. Higher Education has been a process that has changed me as a person, mostly benefiting myself but it's meant putting a lot of time and effort into me which most of the time I don't even realise and then find it hard to relax with having hardly any free time to breathe deep. The only times I really had space were during my visits to Spain.

Please don't assume I don't care because I've been worn out. This last year of study has been particularly hard with it being in a new setting and my final year, especially the last few weeks and if I'm honest it I makes me feel worse when people say it in any context. I know I don't always show it but, I do care and I get that it's hard for me to prove with these words alone. I used to post on this blog much more frequently but I've been way too busy to even compete with how much I used to push out on here.

Hearing it gives me this red haze that I can't deal with. That ol' game of who's who. Who's said what and I know. It might be that I've been told it more frequently but it's hard to show it when my focus was on other things, but I still don't agree. I care, I know I do. I'm just really shit at showing it. If that doesn't sell it enough, most that knew me pre-2016 would know that even back then I never wanted to lose a friend ever again and if you didn't know that maybe you didn't ever know me.

The fact I'm typing all this at 00:28am.

... Also, I'm ok. I'm better than ever actually. Just had the best Sunday shift in a long while and it's a nice thought that I'm potentially not at work until early June after this Tuesday, but on the contrary it would be nice if some friends would check in on me more often. It's been a fairly lonely eight months or so at Uni... 

Much Love
xxx

Time To Focus

It is now essentially my last month or so at Derby and I've still got plenty of work to be getting on with. My album project is coming along alright although there are parts that I'm struggling to finish, lyrics that don't want to emerge. Structurally it is all down and there are just vocals parts and a few bass and guitar tracks to record. Most of it is all in one project which takes up about 6.2GB but I have a newer track that I've saved separately purely because that's how it was started. Non-surprisingly I still need lyrics for that one too as at the moment I only have part of the first verse. I figured this weekend that this is the week that I really need to push myself if I want to get everything done on time. I have a few performances coming up which solve themselves almost but, I also have a report to start due in at the end of this month.

I've had a few new opportunities arise recently, my band Kill the Moon have reformed after about a year of silence, I'm trying out playing bass for a blues/rock/pop band and Phil, one of the lecturers has offered me to play a gig with him in September because he recons my playing style suits what he plays. It's all quite exciting but, I can't help but feel like I'm seriously running out of time fast this semester. It's gone way too fast and I've not done enough in the time that's past. It's still redeemable but I will really need to push on hard this week. I suppose the third and final year is meant to be stressful and this is where it's at with me. I was gonna post some blog posts today and push on with some research today but I'll save it for when I get home now. I think I need a break before I head off to do some session work and maybe spend some time on my album if I have the time.

It's only a two hour session...

A Strange Few Months

What a strange couple of months it's been. I feel like I've not quite fully been in control of everything but still somehow managed to get plenty enough done to survive this long. It's nice to feel like I'm finally taking back control. I'm not sure if it was just the show I'd been watching on Amazon Prime that's fucked with me or if more rather it's a combination of that and gaining weight again. I've put a stop to comfort eating now and have lost a bit already which has made me happier. To think, how thin I was in June last year. All that I achieved to benefit myself and I need to do it all over again, maybe loose a stone or again to be where I was then. Hell I miss it. I was talking to a new colleague at work about all the holidays I had last year and the craziness of Spain. It's raining here now and it's been ridiculously windy lately. I miss the sun. We had fools spring the other week when it was actually quite warm for the time of year. I need it to dry up again so that the leak in my bedroom doesn't get any worse.

But, no. I've really perked up these last couple of weeks which is great. This is exactly the time that I need to be in the right frame of mind. I've done so much recording lately, tweaking midi data. There's still a lot to be done for my album project but I realised something that I should have when the module was presented to me. This is actually fucking happening. And actually, if I wanted to, I could release it as a physical product because it is very real and it's something I feel like I've been working on since I started playing guitar which was almost 12 years ago now. It's making me realise just how much this really counts and the potential. Where could this take me if I do release it? and what could this lead to?

I've been hoping since the start of the year that my previous band will reform into something new and exciting again and I'm still excited about that for when it happens. I just want to start gigging again and get out there. Ideally, be able to make a living off music. The Music Production Show was last week at the University of Derby. I've just typed out a massive blog post about it for extra credit on my EIPP module so I'm not gonna write about it again just yet but it was quite insightful. I'm going to a gig tomorrow, Thomas Leeb is playing The Running Horse in Nottingham and I'm quite exited for that at the moment, then I have another gig to go to Thursday night to see Left-Hand-Lane at Albert's Bar, Nottingham. Which reminds me, I sill need to mix what I recorded with them. Absolutely, love their sound.

This Morning

I was up last night until about 1am working on a new song for my album project at uni. Meticulously editing midi data to that I'd played in to be in-time. It was a fairly complex piano part, not too difficult to play mainly problems with latency that put it askew. So, it was a late night and hell I'm feeling it this morning. Once I packed away, saved up and shut down my Mac, I relaxed with my iPad for a bit. It's kind of normal for me to still be awake going into the early hours now, like 3am but I found something last night that made me so angry, I'm not even sure it's worth the effort. This kept me up most of the night, once I found it. Something had resurfaced, a problem that maybe wasn't quite resolved but was made civil at least. The problem was meant to be dead and buried almost 5 years ago, but no this is the gift that keeps on giving.

I never thought I'd have to say this but I think now is the time to cut all ties with the past. Or as much as possible. It made me realise how easily researchable I am because of it and if an audiences views are corrupted and they figure that it is me it's not exactly going to be an easy life a simple re-published mistake. I'm going to be making changes to this blog page and slowly erase history for my own protection. The audience don't have a name, just a band name so it figures. I will censor old posts, delete the Facebook page (that's not public anyway) and maybe even try to delete the youtube videos. One things for certain is I need to try to get this video down that slanders me, if I'm unsuccessful at least I'll be protected without links.

I'm really not shocked that this has happened. It's almost like I've been expecting it, which is why I check up on a few people from time to time. I need to be the better person in this, but I'm not letting her get away with this. Hell no.

>edit: I've decided against deleting old posts because it just shows how much work and time I invested in this. What a shame.

Fun and Illness

This semester is starting to feel quite loose since I only really have to in on Thursdays for a full day. I do have other timetabled things throughout the week, specifically on Mondays and Tuesdays but there's hardly any point to them as not many show up and the Tutorial on Thursday is pretty late. There's another tutorial slot on Thursdays which makes more sense to attend since I'm in all day anyway. I seem to have clung to playing bass for the live performance module, it seems to make more sense and fit better with our arrangement including piano, vocals and percussion. Jordan has an interesting instrument, shaped like a guitar with the similar purpose of a cajon with added extra bits and it sounds pretty cool. Not 100% sure how it should be mic-ed up yet though but it really does sound great.

It has been a slow month, even though we made a lot of progress in our practice session last week. I haven't really focused on anything else. I was hoping to get all the bass tracks I needed to record done by the end of last week but I'm still trying to get it done this week. Motivation was the problem before and now I'm ill. Not as ill as I was this morning, but every time I sneeze or blow my nose my right eye twitches and quite frankly I'm sick of it already. I think it started from when I went out over the weekend

First Full Day Of The Spring Semester

Ok, so I've reached a point where I really need to sort my life out. I feel like I've wasted this month and could have done so much more with it but instead I've been lazy and slept in most days. It's only just occurred to me that the end of the month is now and I'm starting to feel like I'm running out of time, with my Uni stuff. I mean, I still have 3 solid months left and the most of May for one or two modules but it's starting to feel like I'm cutting it rather fine to get the grading I'm after. I've got a taste for earning a first and I want more. I got my grades back officially last night and turns out I got 75% for my Recording Project and 64% for my Research project so, I just need to keep that up. On top of that, I really need to get on with recording at home. I'be been borrowing an AKG C414 to use at home but I just haven't been motivated enough to actually do anything with it this time. Last week was fairly unproductive two but I got a decent amount down the week before.

I was really early this morning because I thought it was a 9am start, turns out it was 11am and I had completely forgot and probably not even read the email that Phil had sent out because the info didn't even register. This is why I need to be more focused, although the early get up was a good workout in itself. I used my error as an excuse to get a Maccies breakfast and then take a few photos of the layering of frost around. A lot of Derby was still white when I got there and there was a thick fog as I drove into the city.

I'm feeling a little more positive after a couple of lectures at Uni today and being put into a band for my Live Performance module. Looks like I will be playing a mix of guitar and bass for this project so I'm pretty happy with that and I'm happy with who I'm working with two. We're all pretty easy going about song choices and seem to get on really well. I felt quite welcome going back today actually, I rather shortly caught up with a few students that I worked or crossed paths with last year and now I'm working with some of them again. I feel somewhat inspired from John's lecture today, even if it did drag on a little, but I've gain new options and ideas for my coursework from it. On reflection, I probably shouldn't be writing for this personal blog and rather should be writing the on that goes hand-in-hand with my some of my coursework.

I'm going to make a move now, since I've done most other things I wanted to do. Time to get some more recording done for this album project! Even if it is just a couple of guitar tracks!!

January

January hasn't quite gone to plan so far but I've been reasonably productive in-between avoiding every responsibility I have. The original plan was to record everything this month for my EP project. Whilst that may have been too much to ask, I have also become quite lazy. I can't pin point when it started but it was at the start of the month. I think There have been a total of two, maybe three days where I have been up and about before 12 noon. I've been oversleeping and feeling rather tired from it even though I'm not doing anything. Despite this, I've been itching to go to the gym but still haven't. One good thing is that I have managed to lose a small amount of weight that I gained over Christmas but there is still plenty more that needs to go before I feel fully comfortable with myself again.

I got my grades back on Monday. The weeks before that I had almost convinced myself that I was going to get a referral for one of my modules but turns out I've passed it so thats a bonus. In fact, I passed everything from last semester so that is something to be proud about, that I have survived thus far. 55% and 75%. I'm reasonably happy with that too. I'm especially happy with 75% for my recording module since to say it was meant to be group work, there were a few times when it felt like it was just me doing all the work. It was a hinder at the time as it meant it took longer to set up sometimes but it meant that I got to engage with it all more and I feel like I've actually taken a lot from it. We went out for a meal for dads Birthday last week, the same day I got my grades so I delivered the news there and then. We just went to the festival and then gave Dad his presents the next day, on his actual birthday.

It's been a strange evening tonight, I had my first go at faking what I do. I had a band in the studio to record a music video of which they had already recorded the music so was just in-essence playing along. It was a bit weird, but comfortable. I didn't have to do much and that was probably the weirdest part, in fact I probably made more work for myself than I had to.

I've been playing guitar late tonight and learning the solo from the song "Jane" by The Waking Hours. It's probably the most therapeutic thing I've done in a while. I got another guitar about two weeks ago, another Washburn but I think even after giving it the TLC it very much needed, I still favour my MG-47. More for reliability than anything, I really prefer the neck on my new KC-40V.

I must add that I'm really looking forward to the Live Performance module this year, but that could change once I'm sorted into groups. I'm open for anything, guitar or bass and not too fussed on genre and I'm just excited to rehearse and perform again. There will still other things I'll have to focus on, like the recording of my album that I've been neglecting and a small music business research project but actually when I think about it, it seems pretty short. This either means I'm know what I need to know and maybe am finding it somewhat easy or it's just an oversight. No doubt, I will find out soon enough when I start to panic about deadlines being close.